Drunk Writing Advice: Things Breasts Can't Actually Do
People — especially you without boobs — listen up. For too long literature has stretched the bounds of what bodacious bosoms can do. Behold a crash course in how not to write about women. Let’s take a look at the worst offenders.
1. “Her tone was bitter; her breasts pulsed with resentment.” — Philip K. Dick’s Retreat Syndrome
BREASTS DO NOT HAVE MUSCLE TISSUE TO PULSE, NOR DO THEY HAVE THE BRAIN TISSUE TO HARBOUR ILL WILL.
2. “He lay on his side and watched her breathe, her breast, the sweep of a flank defined with the functional elegance of a war plane’s fuselage.” — William Gibson’s Neuromancer
BREASTS LACK THE COMPONENTS TO BE RIGID AND FIRM LIKE THE EXTERIOR SHELL OF A WAR PLANE, WHILE ALSO LACKING THE ELEGANCE OF FUNCTION.
3. “Standing there trying to get the waist of the skirt suit to link at her side, the tops of her breasts, swollen with untaken milk, pushing above her bra, she does have a plumpness, a fullness that calls to him.” — John Updike’s Rabbit, Run
BREASTS DON’T HAVE VOCAL CHORDS OR TELEPATHIC PROPERTIES FOR WHICH TO COMMUNICATE OR CALL TO SOMEONE.
4.“Her mouth was intensely ovoid, an almond mouth, of citrus crescents. And under that sling, her breasts were like young fawns, sheep frolicking in hyssop — Psalms were about to pour out of me.” — Joshua Cohen’s Book of Numbers
BREASTS CAN NOT FROLICK AS THEY LACK LEGS AND HOOVES WITH WHICH TO DO SO.
5.“Marina was on duty that day, looking terrific in a pair of tight-fitting jeans and an orange blouse. It was a delectable combination, since it gave me something to study and admire when she came toward us (the front view of her ample, poignant breasts) and also when she walked away (the back view of her rounded, somewhat bulky rear end).” — Paul Auster’s The Brooklyn Follies.
BREASTS DO NOT HAVE A METHOD FOR WHICH TO SPEAK AND CAN THEREFORE NOT EXPRESS OPINIONS OR THOUGHTS REGARDLESS OF THEIR POIGNANCY.
Image from the Oxford Dictionary of English
6. “Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.” — Morrissey’s List of the Lost
BREASTS CAN NOT PERFORM A BARREL-ROLL UNLESS FIRST DETACHING
FROM A WOMAN’S BODY.
7. “Her breasts stuck out straight and true; her little flanks looked delicious.” — Jack Kerouac’s On the Road
BREASTS DO NOT HAVE ANY COGNITIVE ABILITY AND CAN THEREFORE NOT PERFORM TASKS WITH OR WITHOUT HONESTY.
8. “Pearl buttons flew in all directions, and she was about to cover her startled breasts when he shouted, ‘For me, you for me!’” — Brian Catling’s The Vorrh
BREASTS DO NOT ANTICIPATE ANY EVENTS AND CAN THEREFORE NOT BE STARTLED.
9. “‘Most generous.’ Her large breasts rippled in appreciation.” — Wesley Stace’s Misfortune
BREASTS DON’T APPRECIATE ANYTHING AND CAN THEREFORE NOT EXPRESS THIS EMOTION WITH NONEXISTENT MUSCLE TISSUE.
10. “‘I’d do anything for him. He told me a lot about himself, his father, the house in England. I could have killed his wife for what she did.’ She looked directly at Quintin, her breasts moving quickly as she added, ‘That woman may try to make trouble for us, but we’ll be ready!’” — Douglas Reeman’s A Ship Must Die
BREASTS DO NOT MOVE AS EYEBALLS OR THE HEAD DOES DUE TO THE STRUCTURAL PROPERTIES OF THE NECK.
11. “When she’d stopped crying, Madeleine composed herself before the mirror. her skin looked blotchy. Her breasts, of which she was normally proud, had withdrawn into themselves, as if depressed.” — Jeffrey Eugenides’ The Wedding Plot
BREASTS DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO DEFLAT OR COLLAPSE DESPITE
A WOMAN’S MOOD OR FLUCTUATING SELF WORTH.
12. “The rustling of nipples stiffening against the poly-cotton pads of a thousand Wonderbras. The gentle hiss of a roomful of drenching gussets,’ he said.” — Melvin Bridges’ Doing It
WHEN NIPPLES STIFFEN, THERE IS NO AUDIBLE NOISE CREATED THAT
IS DETECTABLE BY THE HUMAN EAR.
13. “She was walking toward me now. Dark curls bouncing, woollen scarf swaying to the rhythm of her hips. Breasts struggling to work the top button of her jacket loose with each confident stride.” — Graeme Cameron’s Normal
BREATS DO NOT HAVE THUMBS NOR OTHER OPPOSABLE APPENDAGES AND CAN THEREFORE NOT WORK TO UNDO BUTTONS.
14. “She strode proactively across the room and back toward me. Under the dress her body was superb, unlike what I imagined for the first time. She was slimmer, really, her waist thin, but her shoulders broad. Her breasts were laughing things that were firmly in place, although I could see no strap marks of a restraining bra.” — Mickey Spillane’s I, the Jury
BREAST CAN NOT LAUGH NOR DO THEY POSSESS GRAVITY DEFYING PROPERTIES.
15. “Conde saw himself threatened by small breasts pointing skyward like surface-to-air missiles, and perceived the woman’s hips either as an oasis of peace or as a battlefield.” — Leonardo Padura’s Heretics
BREASTS CAN NOT UTTER THREATS NOR DO THEY HAVE AN AWARENESS OF WEAPONS.
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Jo Ramsay
is a Canadian-born, London-based editor and travel copywriter. She’s worked in publishing for four years and continues to pursue opportunities in Canada and abroad. She’s worked at two publishing houses (Arsenal Pulp Press and Greystone Books) and was the blog and opinions editor at The Ubyssey newspaper. She’s lived in Canada, the UK, and Japan.